I often look back at the dreams I grew up with. Being a Librarian or a Vet, riding in rodeos, being happily married, being a published author….so many things I dreamed of through the years, and yet I wonder if it wasn’t all foolishness, unrealistic. Oh I’m sure if I had wanted something bad enough I could have done it…Like the rodeos, my Misty Morning would have been a heck of a barrel racer, which is what I had planned, but then I got stupid and lost sight of my priorities, and what I really wanted for myself. I wanted a husband and love, and instead all that I happened (aside from the girls) was heartache, unhappiness, and losing my poor darling Misty. I was a young fool, and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for leaving her the way I did, as she wasn’t being watched over and cared for the way she would have had I kept her. Her death probably wouldn’t have happened had I kept her. That is the loss of more than one dream, and something that I will regret my entire life.
However it has been my choice not to pursue being a VET or Librarian…I was never that good in school stuff, and never felt confident with the idea of going to college. I was never sure that was really what I wanted to do with my life, and I still can’t say what it is that I want for myself other than being the best mother I can possibly be.
I still hold dreams of my stories some day being published, but it’s not something I feel confident will happen. I guess a lot of my problem is that I don’t think much of what I do, say, or write is good enough for others. A flaw in me I know, but that is me.
Anyway I hope that my girls get more of a chance and confidence to pursue their dreams. That is one of my greatest wishes for them.
